Monday, October 24, 2011

Sometimes I Wonder

How did I get here?  How did I get to this place in my life?  Suddenly I am a mother...clueless but loving.  So afraid of messing up and making mistakes.  My eyes blink and suddenly I am a mother to four.  Still clueless in some ways, but knowing when it comes to how to love my babies.

How did I get to be this age?  Who made me in charge?  Of four children???  Aren't I still learning?  Do I have enough knowledge? Insight? Experience? 

Do I have enough patience?

How can it be that I love it so much?  Changing diapers, kissing boo-boos.  Snuggling on the couch reading the same book over and over again.  Make a meal, clean up a meal.  Wash laundry, put it away, wash it again.  Rinse and repeat.  Over and over. 

Yet there are so many moments of these groundhog days that put a lump in my throat.  An unexpected "I love you", a thoughtful gesture, a beautiful drawing of our family.  Watching my husband teach the kids how to paint, throw a ball, plant a seed. 

I know without a doubt that God meant for me to be a mother to these children.  And even though I make a lot of mistakes I hope they will always feel safe and loved.

I don't know what the future will bring.  I don't know what challenges we will face or how we will choose to handle them.  But I do know that I love this family with all that I am and all that I have. 

Edited to add:
I actually didn't mean to post this.  I often write blog posts just to get the thoughts out of my head.  I used to be a writer, back before I had four kids in six and a half years.  And I am so far removed from it now that I don't often share anything I write with others.  My grammar stinks and I'm not that good at it anymore.  But I accidentally posted this so here it is.  Flaws and all.


Kim Harms said...

You are still a writer. You are just a mama first. Glad you posted this.

Lori said...

Thanks for the encouragement, Kim! :)